Melmoth Laughs and Laughs

The following is a growing list of things that I've seen in various places around the net, or that I've read in college, or which people have mailed me - All of which struck me as being especially funny. So, I've collected them here together on one page. I've not included any 'jokes' as such - there are too many for that, but rather this list is restricted to lists and parody pieces which I found amusing.

I hope you enjoy.

Or you could of course abandon ship before we even set sail by heading back to Melmoth's Home Page.

Bohemian Toastedy

A Queen Logo
Bohemian Toastedy
To The Tune Of "Bohemian Rhapsody"
Original song (c) 1975 Freddie Mercury
Lyrics (c) 1996 Brenda Daverin

I've also included a Bohemian Rhapsody recording - it's a 4.73Mb .Mp3 file, but well worth the download wait if you want to sing along.

(Lines flush to the left are Talkie Toaster's. Lines indented are
Lister's.)

Would you like toast now,
I know you're hungry,
Muffins or crumpets,
All fixed up in a snap, you'll see.
I make great toast,
That isn't a boast, you'll see!

I'm just a toaster,
I need some sympathy,
Because it's toast me this, toast me that,
Even stuff that isn't flat.
Anything that's bready,
Doesn't really matter to me,
To me.

No thanks.
I don't want some toast.
I just like vindaloo
Lots of curry, chili too,
No thanks,
I just don't eat toast.
No idea why I bought you anyway.
Toaster, ooh-oo-oo-ooh...
I don't eat any bread
Unless it's soaked in beer or curry paste
Curry paste,
Curry paste,
Cause that's all that really matters.

Come on,
Please have some toast.
Have a crumpet or a scone,
Can't eat butter all alone.
Come on, David Lister,
It's my life, you see,
Gotta make you up some toast
To have with tea.
Lister, ooh-oo-oo-ooh...
Toaster, would you shut up?
Please don't make me sad,
I've just got to toast you something or go mad.

Have just a little bitty slice of a loaf,
Just a slice,
Just a slice,
With some jam or just butter,
Muffins, tarts or crumpets,
Very, very tasty stuff! Wierd picture of the band.
Maybe waffles,
Maybe waffles,
Maybe waffles,
Maybe waffles,
Maybe waffles or a scone,
Oh, please use me! Me! Me! Me!
I'm just a toaster,
Please won't you use me?
I don't want waffles, Toaster, can't you hear me?
Spare me your tears, and just please let me be!
Easy make,
Easy eat,
Give me bread to heat, please, Lister,
No! I do not want some toast!
Let me toast! Please, Lister!
I do not want some toast!
Let me toast! Please, Lister!
I do not want some toast!
Let me toast!
I do not want your toast!
Let me toast!
I do not want your toast!
Oh, let me to-o-o-oast!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Oh, come on, Lister, come on Lister,
Come on Lister, let me toast!
My programming says I have to make some toast for you,
For you,
For you!

Please don't take me and put me away in the dark!
Put that screwdriver down, Lister, we need to talk!
Oh, Lister, can't do that to me, Lister!
Just let me make toast, just let me make some toast for you!
I wasted my money,
Any smeg can see,
I can't stand this toaster
I can't stand its whining at me...

How about a pastry?


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Glad I'm a Man - Glad I'm a Woman


Glad I'm a Man

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear,
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair
and I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back
I don't carry our differences into the sack.
I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too
I know what the time is and I know what to do.
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball
It's more fun than dealing with women after all
I won't cry if you figure out it's not going to work
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.
Yes, I'm glad I'm a man, a man you see
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!



I'm Glad I'm A Woman


I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!


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Pranks from the Simpsons


Bart with Lisa and Maggie
Phone call for Al...Al Coholic...is there an Al
Coholic here? Wait a minute... Listen, you
little yellow-bellied rat jackass, if I ever
findout who you are, I'm gonna kill you!
Bart and Lisa laugh


7G01 (Some Enchanted Evening)

Bart with Lisa and Maggie
Oliver Clothesoff! Call for Oliver Clothesoff!
Marge picks up the extension and hears: Listen,
you lousy bum, if I ever get a hold of you, I
swear I'll cut your belly open!

7G03 (Homer's Odyssey)

Bart with Lisa
Uh, I.P. Freely? Hey, everybody, I.P. Freely!
Wait a minute... Listen to me you lousy bum:
when I get a hold of you, you're dead. I swear
I'm gonna slice your heart in half!
Bart and Lisa laugh

7G06 (Moaning Lisa)

Bart with Lisa
Uh, Jacques Strap! Hey guys, I'm looking for a
Jacques Strap! Oh, wait a minute...Jacques
Strap It's you isn't it ya cowardly little
runt? When I get a hold of you, I'm gonna gut
you like a fish and drink your blood!
Bart laughs

7F11 (One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish)

Bart with Lisa
Hey, is there a Butz here? Seymour Butz? Hey,
everybody, Iwanna Seymour Butz! Oh, wait a
minute... Listen, you little scum-sucking
pus-bucket! When I get my hands on you, I'm
gonna put out your eyeballs with a corkscrew!
Bart and Lisa laugh

7F15 (Principal Charming)

Bart (in Principal Skinner's office)
Uh, Homer Sexual? Aw, come on, come on, one of
you guys has gotta be Homer Sexual! Homer says
"Don't look at me!" Oh, no... You rotten little
punk! If I ever get a hold of you, I'll sink my
teeth into your cheek and rip your face off!
Skinner, on the other end of the line, says
"You'll do what, young man?"

7F22 (Blood Feud)

Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Hey, has anybody seen
Mike Rotch lately? Listen, you little puke. One
of these days, I'm going to catch you, and I'm
going to carve my name on your back with an ice
pick!

8F02 (Treehouse of Horror II)

Bart with Mrs. Krabappel and one of the
Sherri/Terri twins Uh, hey, everybody! I'm a
stupid moron with an ugly face and big butt and
my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt
Oh, wait a minute... Bart laughs; Mrs.
Krabappel sees him and then laughs as well


8F08 (Flaming Moe's)

Bart
Uh, Hugh Jass? Oh, somebody check the men's
room for a Hugh Jass!
There is a Hugh Jass at Moe's; he takes the call


8F09 (Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk)

Bart
Bea O'Problem! Bea O'Problem! Come on, guys, do
I have a Bea O'Problem here? Barney says "You
sure do!" Oh...it's you, isn't it? Listen, you.
When I get a hold of you, I'm going to use your
head for a bucket and paint my house with your
brains!
Bart laughs


9F06 (New Kid on the Block)

Bart
Uh, Amanda Huggenkiss? Hey, I'm looking for
Amanda Huggenkiss! Ah, why can't I find Amanda
Huggenkiss? Barney says "Maybe your standards
are too high!" You little S.O.B.! Why, when I
find out who you are, I'm going to shove a
sausage down your throat and stick starving
dogs in your butt! Bart tells Moe his name is
Jimbo Jones and gives his own address: Jimbo
and Laura Powers are making out in Bart's
living room


9F06 (New Kid on the Block)

Laura Powers with Bart
Ivana Tinkle? Ivana Tankle? All right,
everybody, put down your glasses, Ivana Tinkle!
Laura and Bart laugh


2F19 (The PTA Disbands)

This isn't at Moe's; Moe is taking over as the
substitute teacher for Mrs. Krabappel's class
during the strike OK, when I call your name,
uh, you say "present" or "here". Er, no, say
"present". Ahem, Anita Bath? The students in
the classroom laugh All right, settle down.
Anita Bath here? More laughs All right, fine,
fine. Maya Buttreeks! Still more laughs Hey,
what are you laughing at? What? Oh, oh, I get
it, I get it. It's my big ears, isn't it, kids?
Isn't it? Well, children, I can't help that!
Moe runs out of the classroom crying as Bart
crosses Moe's name off of a list of what are
now former substitute teachers



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Leprosy

Leprosy

(to the tune of "Yesterday")

Leprosy
I'm not half the man I used to be
All my friends now stay away from me
Oh Leprosy came suddenly

Leprosy
All my skin has fallen off of me
There's a shadow falling over me
Oh I believe in Leprosy

Why am I condemned to this eternal fate
I'm so weak I can't even
[...this part is left as an exercise for the reader...]

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GAA Player Exam


College enterence exam - GAA player version

Time Limit: 3 WKS


1. What language is spoken by the FRENCH?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions
-OR-
give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or
(d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope?
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic
(check only one)

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners

9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton
Bush:
Carter:
Clinton:

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's
(b) a 7-11
(c) Canada
(d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes
(b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium
-OR-
spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York
(b) Florida
(c) Canada
(d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math: If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?

19. Concerning "National Broadcasting Corp.," what does NBC stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
(a) B.C.
(b) A.D.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

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The Rimmer Song

The Rimmer Song

If you're in trouble he will save the day.
He's brave and he's fearless come what may.
Without him the mission would go astray.

He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer.
Without him life would be much grimmer.
He's handsome, trim, and no-one's slimmer.
He will never need a zimmer.

He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer.
More reliable than a garden strimmer.
He's never been mistaken for Yul Brynner.
He's not bald and his head doesn't glimmer.

Master of the wit and the repartee.
His command of Space Directives is uncanny.
How come he's such a genius? Don't ask me.

Ask Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer.
He's oh so a fantastic swimmer.
And if you play your cards right,
then he just might come around for dinner.


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Tilted lines from Star Wars


Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in "Star Wars"

1. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."
2. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
3. "Look at the size of that thing!"
4. "Sorry about the mess..."
5. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
6. "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"
7. "You've got something jammed in here real good."
8. "Put that thing away before you get us all killed!"
9. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
10. "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care *what* you smell!"


Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in "The Empire Strikes Back"

1. "And I thought they smelled bad...on the *outside*!"
2. "Possible he came in through the south entrance."
3. "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?"
4. "Hurry up, golden-rod..."
5. "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."
6. "But now we must eat. Cum, good food, cummm..."
7. "Control, control! You must learn control!"
8. "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."
9. "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"
10. "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me!"


Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in "Return of the Jedi"

1. "Rise, my friend."
2. "Open the back door!"
3. "Hey, point that thing somewhere else!"
4. "It's just a dead animal..."
5. "Not bad for a little furball."
6. "How can they be jamming us if they don't know we're coming?"
7. "Come here, I won't hurt you. You want something to eat?"
8. "Keep on that one, I'll take these two"
9. "I want you to take her. I mean it, take her!"
10. "I don't think the Empire had wookies in mind when they designed her, Chewie."

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Why Janeway is better than Picard


Why Janeway is better then Picard

1.One word: hair
2.More hair than all previous Star Trek commanding officers combined.
3.Drinks coffee, not that sissy "Earl Grey" stuff.
4.Beams down to the planet like real Captains should.
5.Mutes the doctor when the doctor gets out of line.
6.Hasn't let an adolescent pilot the Federation flagship -- yet.
7.Commanded ships blown up: Picard: 2 Janeway: 0
8.Voyager needs a female Captain. Its Captain must be willing to admit they're lost and pull over for directions.
9.Picard likes to talk his way through. Janeway likes to punch her way through.
10.Hasn't quoted Shakespeare -- yet.
11.Looks better in sleepwear.
12.Isn't French with an English accent.
13."Take this cheese to sickbay!" I don't know why this is here, either, but I loved that line!
14.Will give you two days off to ponder your lifeshattering experience.
15.When Janeway lands her ship, it can take off again.
16.Janeway says "I don't like you!" to her enemies instead of trying to convince them to behave better.
17.To comfort children, Janeway cares for them in a loving motherly way. Picard sings a song...in French...about a monk...who can't wake up for morning bells.
18.The only children on Voyager can be turned off at will.
19.Janeway has a First Officer with a tattoo.
20.She doesn't have any pesky Federation Admirals to get in her way.
21.Three words: Compression Phaser Rifles.
22.Acknowledges freely when she breaks the Prime Directive instead of trying to weasle her way out of it with philosophical ramblings.
23.30 episodes without surrendering the ship.
24.30 episodes and Wesley has yet to save the ship.
25.Janeway's holo programs create useful things like doctors and lungs. Picard's holodecks create maniacal evil geniouses who yet again take over the ship.
26.She doesn't need to straighten her uniform every time she stands.
27.Janeway has never worn green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood Forest. However, if she did, she would look fantastic! (John says : debatable - ugly cow!!!)
28.Kirk looked good in ripped shirts; Picard looked good without a shirt; Janeway would look... no, they can't do that on network television.
29.Cheese
30.Doesn't force her crew to wear awful outfits, unless it is to blend in with a primitive planet.
31.She doesn't waste time learning foreign languages. All lifeforms in the Delta Quadrant speak perfect English.
32.Her engineer does not wear a bananna clip over her eyes.
33.Slouches in her chair even in critical life-threatening moments.
34.Doesn't have a Counselor on board (thank God!).
35.Her telepath only lives nine years.
36.Janeway heard the words "boldly go where no man (er, woman) has gone before" and took them to the extreme.
37.45,000 light-years is one thing. Every point in the universe instantaneously? That's excessive!
38.Picard tells alien cultures, "I hope our two cultures will one day come to a greater understanding." Janeway threatens them with "the deadliest of force".
39.Janeway's Security Chief would never grow a ponytail.
40.The high point of Enterprise cuisine were scrambled eggs that only Worf could stomach.
41.Janeway doesn't have to point which way to go when they set off.
42.Maintains an elaborate hairdo that would baffle even Princess Leia.
43.Has mastered facial expression understood by all to mean, "Boy, Paris, are YOU ever stupid."
44.Cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese. I can't help myself!
45.Hugs her Vulcan from time to time.
46.Has a more manly voice.
47.Doesn't have a starship that splits in half when it's in a tight spot.
48.Has a dog and a significant other, not some damn fish!
49.Kes. Troi. No contest.
50.Neelix. Replicator. Ok, this one's debatable.
51.At least she doesn't have to yell "Hot!" at her cook every time she wants something to drink.
52.Her ship has neat-looking folding warp nacelles.
53.Her CONN officer actually went through the Academy.
54.Her CONN officer can use contractions.
55.Her first officer has a halucinogenic device.
56.None of the crew members' relatives have ever tried to take over the ship, invade the Federation, steal a starship, or enslave all humankind.
57.To help her relax, Janeway's first officer helps her contact her spirit guide. Picard's first officer helps him get . . . to Risa.
58.Riker never smiled at Picard that way.
59.Q asked Janeway to run away with him and she refused. Q asked Picard's girlfriend to run away with him and she accepted.

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A rotating skull


Evil Overlordic Advice



This Evil Overlord List is Copyright 1996-1997 by Peter Anspach
. If you enjoy it, feel free to pass it along or post
it anywhere, provided that (1) it is not altered in any way, and (2)
this copyright notice is attached.
_________________________________________________________________

NOTE: Peter is currently unable to respond to email in a timely
mannter -- he's in the middle of moving & settling in to his new job.
Please be patient.
_________________________________________________________________

Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well,
there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However
every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies
invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that
no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad
scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic
mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow me to present...

The Top 100 Things I'd Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass
visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not
kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on
the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the
Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same
applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, ``Look, before you
kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?'' I'll
say, ``No.'' and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him
then say ``No.''
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married
immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in
three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be
carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button
labelled ``Danger: Do Not Push''. The big red button marked ``Do
Not Push'' will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone
stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will
not clearly be labelled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small
hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need
to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my
weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any
flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before
implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several
rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the
bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as
any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the
aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any
other form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find
that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to
activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting
his plan into operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence ``But before I kill you, there's
just one thing I want to know.''
17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to
their advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned
attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal
distraction at a crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was
evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd
betray her own father.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in
maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss
unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could
adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original
uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap
knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman
footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually
defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I
will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my
troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to
neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue
energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a
handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and
weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job,
at least I will never utter the line ``No, this cannot be! I AM
INVINCIBLE!!!'' (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any
sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for
one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are,
there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate
to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a
prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important
systems will have reduntant control panels and power supplies. For
the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded
weapons at all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot
escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies
into confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and
cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death.
My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have
no source of comic relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with
surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected
reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his
sidekick.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad
news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are
hard to come by.
33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to
wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more
casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black
leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look
diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of
Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell
block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I
will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of
handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing
a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted
lieutenant.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring
anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately,
instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of
vengeance towards me in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride
at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my
opposite number among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an
unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as
possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky
time-travel devices.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog,
monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable
of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the
beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and
good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her
in on my plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who
work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even
the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is
responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my
general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say
``And here is the price for failure,'' then suddenly turn and kill
some random underling.
46. If an advisor says to me ``My liege, he is but one man. What can
one man possibly do?'', I will reply ``This.'' and kill the
advisor.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I
will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting
for him to mature.
48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology
with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it
will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy
me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will
send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in
the local paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system
that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and
Macintosh powerbooks.
51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the
conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately
transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to
examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and
abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says ``I'll never marry
you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!'', I will say ``Oh well'' and
kill her.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to
double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place
in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on
important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will
first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would
attract less attention.
56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any
who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be
used for target practice.
57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will
carefully read the owner's manual.
58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose
dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any
code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30
seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to
passwords.
61. If my advisors ask ``Why are you risking everything on such a mad
scheme?'', I will not proceed until I have a response that
satisfies them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding
structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a
firefight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors.
And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames
going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely
unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to
be a disadvantage.
65. If I must have computer systems with publically available
terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room
clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the
Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as
Sewage Overflow Containment.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone
who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad
for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating
that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be
instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a
full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This
is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the
offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again,
they'd better save my life again.
69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be
delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in
foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures
of the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always
travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if
one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other
will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of
quizzically peering around a corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she
should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of
marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device
and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon
instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged
contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for
them to win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so
that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I
will not label the disk ``Project Overlord'' and leave it lying on
top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse,
instead of standing around waiting while members break off and
attack one or two at a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and
struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will
also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a
rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth
considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero
the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will
retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant
is out of earshot before making the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror ``And he must be taken
alive!'' The command will be ``And try to take him alive if it is
reasonably practical.''
79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as
soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into
limited-edition commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my
best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger
ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have
disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind
me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically
turning around to find out what he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in
front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous,
unbalanced structure.
83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then
have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks
for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to
switch with him.
84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the
opposite sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly
complicated, e.g. ``Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred
altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total
eclipse.'' Instead it will be more along the lines of ``Push the
button.''
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and
properly grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use.
Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate
them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task
again.
89. After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately
disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever
holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the
weapon and I took it from him.
90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation
is facing away from the door.
91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and
obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current
entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him.
Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new
insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me
alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return
to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in
this regard.)
93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an
underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the
hero is scheduled to go first.
94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop
and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with
bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate
tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma
team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control
panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel
on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain
reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully
monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and
affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have
forced them together against their will and they spend all their
time bickering and criticizing each other except during the
intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at
which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately
order their execution.
99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in
size.
100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless
trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet
access.

Top Of Page

Religion Explained


Kissing Hank's Ass
A parable by Rev. Jim Huber.

This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door
I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:
"Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."

MARY: Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us.
ME: Pardon me? What are you talking about? Who is Hank, and why
would I want to kiss his ass?
JOHN: If you kiss Hank's ass, he will give you a million dollars; and
if you don't, he will kick the shit out of you.
ME: What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?
JOHN: Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank
owns this town. He can do what ever he wants and what he wants is
to give you a million dollars, but he can't until you kiss his ass.
ME: That doesn't make any sense. Why...
MARY: Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million
dollars? Isn t it worth a little kiss on the ass?
ME: Well maybe, if it is legit, but...
JOHN: Then come kiss Hank's ass with us.
ME: Do you kiss Hank's ass often?
MARY: Oh yes, all the time...
ME: And has he given you a million dollars?
JOHN: Well no, you don't actually get the money until you leave town.
ME: So why don't you just leave town now?
MARY: You can't leave until Hank tells you to or you don't get the money;
and he kicks the shit out of you.
ME: Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got
the million dollars?
JOHN: My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year
and I'm sure she got the money.
ME: Haven't you talked to her since then?
JOHN: Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it.
ME: So what makes you think he will actually give you the money if you
have never talked to anyone who got the money?
MARY: Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you will
get a raise; maybe you will win a small lotto; maybe you will
just find a twenty dollar bill on the street.
ME: What does that got to do with Hank?
JOHN: Hank has certain... connections.
ME: I'm sorry but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game.
JOHN: But it IS a million dollars. Can you really take the chance?
And remember, if you DON'T kiss Hank's ass he will kick the shit of you.
ME: Maybe if I could see Hank; talk to him; get the details
straight from him...
MARY: No one sees Hank. No one talks to Hank.
ME: Then how do you kiss his ass?
JOHN: Sometimes we just blow him a kiss and think of his ass. Other
times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on.
ME: Who is Karl?
MARY: A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing
Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times.
ME: And you just took his word for it when he said there was a
Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss his ass, and that Hank would
reward you?
JOHN: Oh no! Karl has got a letter Hank sent him years ago explaining
the whole thing. Here ia a copy; see for your self.

John handed me a photocopy of a handwritten memo on - From the desk of
Karl - letterhead. There were eleven items listed:
1.) Kiss Hank's ass and he will give you a million dollars when you
leave town.
2.) Use alcohol in moderation.
3.) Kick the shit out of people who are not like you.
4.) Eat right.
5.) Hank dictated this list himself.
6.) The moon is made of green cheese.
7.) Everything Hank says is right.
8.) Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
9.) Do not drink.
10.) Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11.) Kiss Hank's ass or he will kick the shit out of you.

ME: This would appear to be written on Karl's Letterhead.
MARY: Hank did not have any paper.
ME: I have a hunch that if we checked we would find this is Karl's
handwriting.
JOHN: Of course, Hank dictated it.
ME: I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?
MARY: Not now; but years ago he would talk to some people.
ME: I thought you said he was a philanthropist. What sort of
philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they are
different?
MARY: It's what Hank wants; and Hank is always right.
ME: How do you figure that?
MARY: Item 7 says - Everything Hanks says is right.- That's good
enough for me!
ME: Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up.
JOHN: No way! Item 5 says, - Hank dictated this list himself.-
Besides, item 2 says, - Use alcohol in moderation. - Item 4 says,
- Eat right.- And item 8 says, - Wash your hands after going to the
bathroom.- Everyone knows *those* things are right; so the rest
must be true, too.
ME: But 9 says, - Do not Drink. - which does not quite go with item
2. And 6 says, - The moon is made of green cheese. - which is just plain
wrong.
JOHN: There is no contradiction between 9 and 2. 9 just clarifies 2. As
far as 6 goes, you have never been to the moon; so you cannot say for
sure.
ME: Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of
rock...
MARY: But they do not know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of
space, so it could just as easily be green cheese.
Me: I am not really an expert but I think the theory that the Moon
came from the Earth has been discounted. Besides, not knowing
*where* the rock came from doesn't mean it *could* be green cheese
rather than rock.
JOHN: Aha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we
know Hank is always right!
ME: We do?
MARY: Of course we do, Item 5 says so.
ME: So, you're saying that Hank is always right because the list
says so; the list is right because Hank dictated it; and we know
that Hank dictated it because the list says so.
JOHN: Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come
around to Hank's way of thinking.
ME: But...Oh, never mind. What's the deal with the wieners?

Mary blushes.

JOHN: Wieners: in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything
else is wrong.
ME: What if I don't have a bun?
JOHN: No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong.
ME: No relish? No Mustard?

Mary looks positively stricken.

JOHN (shouting): There's no need for such language! Condiments of any
kind are wrong!
ME: So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it
would be out of the question?
MARY (sticking her fingers in her ears): I am not listening to this!
La la la, la la, la la la.....
JOHN: That is disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat
that...
ME: But it is good! I eat it all the time.

Mary faints. John catches her

JOHN: Well, if I had known you were one of THOSE, I wouldn't have
wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you, I want to be
there.

John drags Mary to their waiting car and speeds off.
I go inside pondering about how some people would believe anything...


Top Of Page

25 Ways To Annoy Your Lecturers


Subject: 25 Ways To Confuse Your Professors
Date: Tue, 17 Mar 1998 22:02:01 PST

1.Brush your teeth during class. While doing so, raise your hand as if
you have a question, and mumble your question incoherantly while
brushing, spewing toothpaste all over the place. If your professor
objects to your actions, go on a tirade about proper oral hygiene.

2.Sit way at the back of the room, up against the wall, to get as far
away from your professor as possible. While he/she is lecturing, shout
out things like, "What!?" and "Speak up! You're mumbling!" If your
professor advises you to sit closer to the front, tell him/her you
can't because you're scouting the room for "assassins."

3.If you have an early morning class, get there before anyone else, and
bring a pillow, some blankets, an air mattress, and an alarm clock.
Wear your pajamas. Lie down on the air mattress with the pillow and the
blankets and act like you're asleep. Have the alarm set for about two
minutes into class. When it goes off, preferably very loudly, hit the
"snooze" button and go back to sleep. Keep doing so for the duration of
the class.

4.Dispute everything your professor says, no matter how simple. Try
to get him/her to "prove" everything to you. Rant and rave about what a
big liar your professor is. Yell at students who are taking notes,
saying, "Stop writing down all these lies!"


5.Show up to class about ten minutes late. Ride into the room on a
bicycle, yell, "Look out!", and crash into the blackboard. Get up, take
a seat, and act like nothing happened. Do this every day.

6.Keep "accidentally" setting fires at your desk. Burn notebooks,
papers, or whatever you have handy. Whenever you start a fire, no matter
how small it is, start yelling, "Fire! Fire!" and run out of the room in
a panic. Don't return for the rest of class.

7.Hide somewhere inside the classroom. Wait for your professor to
take attendance. Don't come out when he/she calls your name. Halfway
through class, jump out and yell, "Just kidding! I'm here! Fooled you
again!" Sit down and be quiet for the rest of class.

8.Wrap yourself in bandages and come to class in a wheelchair.
Throughout class, cry a lot and moan things like, "Why me?" and "Please
kill me!" Get up during class, like your going to miraculously start
walking. Instead, fall down, cry out in pain, and wait for someone to
help you back up. When class is over, say, "I feel better now," leap up,
and run home.

9.Come to class with a jar full of angry hornets. Five minutes into
class, release the hornets, scream, and run away.

10.Bring a vacuum to class. Halfway through class, stand up and start
using it. If your professor objects, explain that you "can't stand
sitting in this pigsty any longer." Keep vacuuming, grumbling angrily.

11.Bring a small cactus to class with you. Raise your hand, and when
you're called on, say that the cactus has a question. Turn and look at
the cactus, as if you're waiting for it to say something. After a few
moments, shrug, and wait for your professor to move on. Do this once a
day, and become increasingly irritated with the cactus every time,
sighing heavily and giving it evil looks when it fails to "speak." When
you leave the room after class, start yelling at the cactus, "I can't
believe you embarrassed me AGAIN...."

12.Every time your professor stutters, do a shot. If he/she objects,
explain that drinking games make the class more interesting.

13.When your professor gives you a syllabus, take it home, correct it,
give it a grade, and return it to the professor. Demand extra credit.

14.Come to class every day wearing scary Halloween masks. Try to get
your professor to guess who you are. Shoot him/her with a water pistol,
scream, and run around the room knocking things over. Say, "Pretty
scary, huh?"

15.Get the whole class to show up a few minutes early, and throw a
surprise party for your professor. Insist that you can't start class
until he/she has a piece of cake. Keep asking people when the strippers
are going to arrive.

16.Instead of taking notes, do an abstract painting during every
class. Call the paintings things like, "Professor Acting Like Mr.
Know-It-All" or "Idiot Who Doesn't Know What The Hell He's Talking
About." Give the paintings to your professor as gifts.


17.Wait for your professor to mention a date, and then yell out,
"Bingo!" Apologize, and explain that you got confused.

18.Carve a bust of your professor out of cheese. Tie a ribbon around
it, and present it to him/her at the beginning of class. Demand extra
credit.

19.Write your professor a note that says, "I'm going to be about 15
minutes late. Go ahead and start without me." Wait outside the building
until the time when class is supposed to begin. Tie the note to a rock,
and throw it through the window.

20.Write down everything that your professor says, word for word.
Think up a melody, and turn the words into a song. Bring a guitar to
class and perform the song for the class. Explain to your professor that
he/she is "very inspiring."

21.Get a monkey, and bring it to class with you. Tell your professor
that you've hired the monkey to take notes for you. Sit back and relax
during class, letting the monkey scribble on a piece of paper. When it
comes time to write a paper or take a test, write down things like, "I
wish I had a banana" and "I miss my tire swing." Assuming you get a bad
grade, angrily fire the monkey in front of your professor.

22.When you have to write a paper, get it done early and mail it to
your professor's house. From then on, don't hand anything in, and blame
it on the sluggishness of the U.S. Postal Service.

23.Tell your professor that you'd like to interview him/her for a
writing class. Get him/her to tell you his/her life story. Act
interested, and write down everything he/she says. Fabricate a few
romantic interludes and turn your efforts into a trashy romance novel.
Make copies for the entire class, and your professor. Demand extra
credit.

24.Draw hearts and flowers on the backs of your papers and tests. Next
to them, write things like, "You're the best, even though you suck" and
"You're the worst professor in the world, but I still love you."

25.Start asking questions in a fake foreign language. Act like your
professor is stupid for not being able to understand you. Get other
people in the class to start speaking the fake language too, and have
frequent discussions during class. Act like you're really interested in
what you're discussing. If your professor tries to interrupt or stop
you, act annoyed and motion for him/her to quiet down.



Top Of Page

Things to do in an Elevator


_________________________________________________________________

50 FUN THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR
_________________________________________________________________

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is our "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"


Top Of Page

Get Rich Quick


Recent evidence has come to light that suggests that pyramid style chain
letters may have pre-dated Dave Rhodes by a considerable margin.
Palaentologists recently deciphered the following, painted on a cave
wall on the slopes of Kilimanjaro.

MAKE SPIKY CLUBS FAST!!!

Hello, not-tribe-member. Urk name Urk. Many moons ago, Urk in bad way.
Urk kicked out of cave by Thag. Thag bigger than Urk, Thag take Urk
spiky club, Urka (Urk wo-man). Urk not able kill deer, must eat leaves,
berries. Urk flee from wolves.

Today, Urk big chief. Urk have best cave, many wives, many spiky clubs.
Urk tell how.

WHAT DO: make one spiky club and take to cave places below. Add own
cave place to bottom of list, take cave place off top. Put new message
on walls many caves. Wait. Many clubs soon come! This not crime! Urk
ask shaman, gods say okay.

HERE LIST:

1) Urk
First cave
Olduvai Gorge

few) Thag (not that Thag, other Thag)
old dead tree
by laked shaped like mammoth

few) Og
big rock with overhang
near pig game trail

Many) Zog
river caves
where river meet big water

Urk hope not-tribe-member do what Urk say do. That only way it work.

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Advice for the "True Love"

Subject: The Things I Will Do If I Am Ever the True Love

There is a distressing tendency in adventure fiction for the Hero's True Love to be nothing more than a trophy. She gives the hero some thing to aspire for, and gives the Evil Overlord someone to use as a hostage, but that's it. In the typical story she spends most of her time waiting around for the Hero to rescue her. If she had some kind of useful skill, she might be able to avoid capture, or effect her own escape in a way that does not depend on womanly wiles.

The True Love is that category of protagonist whose main role is that of live interest for the hero or heroine. This does not preclude military skills, but then against it doesn't preclude the True Love from being an architect, painter, chef, etc.

DISCLAIMER: The use of masculine/feminine pronouns and assignment of gender roles is not intended to preclude a reversal of gender roles. It is, however, intended to offend those who think that Ted Kennedy has done more for women than the person who discovered chocolate.

1. I will never take a vow to marry only someone who can defeat me. I will learn of those laws which limit my marriage options and work towards their repeal. I will decided when and who I marry, thank you very much.

2. I will not freeze in terror in the presence of monsters or servants of the Evil Overlord.

3. If I have a friend who never seems to be around when the Hero shows up and clobbers the Bad Guys, I will draw the appropriate conclusions.

4. If I am captured by the Evil Overlord and escape, I will assume that he is tracking me in some manner. If I am going to the hidden rebel base, I shall first go to an alternate location, change clothing, equipment and means of transportation, and then go to the hidden rebel base.

5. If I have a copy of the Evil Overlord's plans and my capture is imminent, I will not send the only copy of those plans away with a cute little sidekick. I will make many copies of the plans and send them away with many cute little sidekicks.

6. I will obtain skill in unarmed combat, so that I can kick Bad Guys between the legs, and put my elbow into the Evil Overlord's solar plexus when he uses me as a human shield. I will not, however, attempt to tackle a Bad Guy bare-handed as long as more practical alternatives exist.

7. I will obtain skill in armed combat, so that when the Evil Overlord and the Hero are engaged in mortal combat, I can grab some dead henchman's weapons and help tilt the odds in the Hero's favor.

8. I will obtain skill in the use of my legs and feet, so that I can actually run from one place to another without tripping over every shadow, crack, and pebble along my path.

9. If the Evil Overlord tries to force me into marriage, I will insist on a ceremony so expensive that it will debilitate his industrial capacity. I will be picky about the tiniest details of the ceremony and change my mind frequently so that the resulting delay will give the Hero more time to rescue me.

10. My own sidekicks will be picked for brains, not looks.

11. Since liberated women are still allowed to have it both ways, I will not rule out using my womanly wiles to defeat the Evil Overlord. Even if it only works on Stupid Bad Guys, it never hurts to try.

12. After being forced into a compromising situation, I will not grab a weapon from the Bad Guy and toss it to the Hero when he walks in; I will instead grab a weapon from the Bad Guy and use it on him myself, before the Hero walks in.

13. Likewise, if I catch the Hero in a compromising situation with another woman, I will give the Hero the benefit of whatever doubt might reasonably exist.

14. When the Evil Overlord forces me to help betray the Hero, I will make a show of resistance and then feign capitulation. I will then use whatever resources are placed at my disposal to screw the Evil Overlord (in a metaphorical sense, of course).

15. My clothing and footwear will always be appropriate for the occasion. It will enable me to run, climb, and fight, and will hide as large an assortment of personal weaponry as is practical. It will also protect me from frostbite and hypothermia. As I am confident that my loyalty and wit are enough to maintain the Hero's love, the harem girl outfit is reserved for private moments when we are living happily ever after.

16. I will not hesitate to lie about the Secret Location of the Rebel Base.

17. If I have any odd phobias to spiders, snakes, lightning, und so weiter, I will seek therapy and overcome them, so that when lives depend on my ability to behave intelligently, I won't panic. Since liberated women can still have it both ways, I will feign phobias in order to deceive or distract Bad Guys.

18. If I am offered a bribe, I will accept it, and inform the Hero by a pre-arranged means. The happily-ever-after will be happier if we have a good nest egg to start on.

19. The Hero and I will have a pre-arranged signal so that if one of us is held at gunpoint and the other is ordered to drop his/her weapon, the hostage will know when to duck while the other one plugs the Bad Guy.

20. Knowing that tentacles have a preference for True Loves, I will keep an eye out for any and all creatures that might have them.

21. I will obtain some basic mountaineering skills so that when I am dangling off of a cliff the Hero can finish off the Evil Overlord instead of letting him escape in order to rescue me.

22. If I am presented with a reasonable opportunity to save the day myself, I will at least try, and not wait for the Hero to do it.

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Page last updated 31st of July, '98.